5 28 09 wheels for legs MAYBE parents rescue

I'm seeing the world from a wheelchair-ed perspective and it ain't pretty.
Doorways are too narrow.
Furniture is set up so that a person coming into a classroom in their wheelchair can't maneuver around.
Elevator doors don't stay open long enough.
Slight inclines in the pavement become impossible Rushmores to climb.
Forget about going to the bathroom and forget about getting a big, bulky wheelchair into an economy car.

I have newfound respect for people with disabilities.
It's amazing that any of them keep a positive attitude in a world that's built for the abled.

But I'm also learning about the kindness of strangers.
Folks care.

Three different people offered to help me today as I struggled to wheel myself uphill.
I accepted help from two of them.
They actually pushed me in my chair to my next destination.

In the past, acts of kindness like those would have made me cry.
Today they simply reassured me that I am a person in this world.
I cannot hide out from my fellow human beings.
Interacting with people is more than being the center of attention in front of the room.
It's more than my online comfort zone.
It's more than Superpoking on Facebook.

Being a person in the world requires actually talking WITH people not just talking TO them.
Oy!
My spirit self is really trying to cram in the karmic lessons that I tried so hard to avoid for the first half of my life.

So, no.
I didn't cry over the kindness of strangers.

I'll tell you when I did cry.
When I couldn't get my wheelchair back in the car.
Too heavy.
And my backseat is not big enough.
Without the use of both my legs I could not get in the right position to force the darn thing into my car.

Undaunted, I decided I would empty my trunk and put it in there!
So smart...
or so I thought.

Nope.
Even with a completely empty trunk I could not get the wheel chair to fit.
It jutted out over the back bumper of my car like a big bulky chrome monster.
Exhausted, I called my parents.

My 79 year old father and 85 year old mother pulled up next to me in the parking lot to rescue me.
That's when I cried.

Is that why this injury is came about?
To help me squeeze the last bit of childcare out of my parents before they're too old
to do things for themselves let alone me?
To get them to take care of me in my helpless, childlike state before they leave this earth?

It must be... because I broke down sobbing just now.

I'm certainly being forced to confront LOTS of issues during this knee event.

By the time this is over I'll have outgrown myself.
Time to make a new self.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Today producer/director Sally Blake (she's the one with the short hair,
denim jacket and khaki pants)
came to see me about filming me for the documentary
'Peep Me'.
Four out of five of my cats came out to meet her.
They decided she's good people...lol.
click here or click below

hoper NO

Yesterday was a big deal.
My best friend's wedding reception with a house full of family, friends, food and felines!
An incredible mix of geeks, Jews (Orthodox and lapsed) and assorted ne'er do wells all wished Matt and Sarah the health, happiness and prosperity they deserve.

I have tons of pictures.

No time to post them today.

I have to get up to campus.

It's time to get famous.
It's time to write a book.

A colleague and I are banging out a book together over the next two weeks.
Yes, I can write that fast.
Didn't you notice? lol

I'll keep you posted on the progress as we go.

I'm excited.

This is so proactive.

My hope glands are tingling.

Hope is the life force that animates dead tissue.
I remember wanting to die.
More than once I came dangerously close to making that happen.

Hope saved me.

I had hope that I could be happy, that life could be fulfilling, that joy was possible.
I had hope that the pain would subside, that my body could heal, that there were memories worth making.

Compared to the lives of most people on this earth, I have an easy life.
Comfort
Basic needs
Freedom
A justice system
Loved ones
Education
Meaningful work

But I don't like doing the there's-always-someone-worse-off-than-me guilt trip.
Sure I could make myself feel like an ungrateful piece of crap by comparing my life to someone who lives in poverty in some third world shit hole.
I could think of those without.
I could think of others' misery.

What good is an exercise like that?
Ok, it could give me perspective and force me to count my many blessings.
But in the end it's an exercise designed to make me feel like bad for not being happy with what I have.

It's guilt inducing.
It's not helpful.

I hear from people, "comfortable" people, mostly women, who suffer from depression, addiction and general hopelessness.

I would be the biggest a**hole in the world to tell them "just look at someone worse off than you and thank your lucky stars you've got what you've got!"

We each have our karma.
We each have our blessings.
We each have our pain.

Some of us have roof-over-our-head pain.
Some of us have social-injustice pain.
Some of us have where's-my-next-meal-coming-from pain.
Some of us have soul pain.

I'm going to solve the pain that I can solve best.
The pain may be the kind that's experienced in a state of having meals, and roofs and no-military-is-going-to-blow-up-my-house tomorrow comfort, but the pain is real and it needs to be handled.

Hopelessness comes in all forms.
It has no prejudice.

A single mother wrote to me about her depression.
She's a few years out from her bypass surgery.
I have a feeling she needs her hope gland stimulated.

Hopelessness is real.
It's tragic.
It's important.
I will not overlook it.

I will solve it,
cuz, baby,
that's how I roll.

*Movement for Motivation*
I listened to some techno on the way home from the party yesterday and wished I could dance.
Dancing must be fun.
I've forgotten how.
I bet being physically fit makes it, well, do-able!
Click here or click below...

1 00 08 me meat NO

Yesterday evening, woke up from a nap and walked!!

Alex Puentes, world's most beautiful celebrity baby!

I was a witness! Sarah Frier and Matt Dennis tie the knot in Judge Toth's chambers with Sponge Bob hovering over the proceedings (January 4t, 2008 at 10:36 am)

I'm eating a lot more protein.
Part of it is because I'm carb paranoid since I'm at a weight loss plateau.
Most of it is because I CRAVE the meat!

I actually ate London Broil on New Year's day.
I didn't even think I could tolerate London Broil. Last time I tried to eat red meat, lean hamburger from Ruby Tuesday's, I was so sick to my stomach it took 3 hours for the nausea to subside.
I figured meat was out of the question.
It's not.
Meat is good.

Yeah, I'm an animal lover.
Yes, I'm dead set against factory farming.
I don't think I could kill a beautiful living creature for myself.
But the distance between my plate and the slaughter house is far enough to make me forget where my meat is coming from.

Plus, my cats are carnivores.
I might not have it in me to slaughter an animal for my own consumption but if I had to hunt to feed my babies, I'd be bow and arrowing (ARROWED!) the hell out of some meat on the hoof!

My mom and I go to Chinese buffets for most of our lunches.
I'm a fussy eater (imagine?).
I like to have control over what I put on my plate and how much.
Lately, I've been devouring chicken; chicken with broccoli, chicken on a stick, chicken chow mein.
Shrimp too.
And tofu.

I'm not wanting the sushi rolls (the rice is too starchy and makes me queasy).
I'm not even wanting my beloved brown rice.
I'm all about the meat (and yes, I consider poultry to be meat in this case).

At home I've been eating lots of homemade tamari almonds and cold-cut turkey.
Tons of apples, celery and raw peppers.

I haven't bought any Wasa lately.
I haven't popped any popcorn.
My bread is getting moldy in the frig.

Don't call it willpower.
Don't call it Atkins.
And please don't call it a diet.

I really am just eating what I crave the most.

Last night I visited the Puentes clan: my bestest friend from grammar school and most of my life, Mary Anne, her wonderful husband Lou and their charming, incredible, most beautiful toddler in the world, Alex.

I was truly blessed to be able to sit on the floor with him and play. He play-pushed me and I was able to "fall" over on the floor and pick myself back up again just so he would laugh. When he offered me his precious little hand to lead me on a walk around the living room and dining room, I was able to walk. I was able to get up off the floor and move around without pain.

I didn't have to grin and bear it.
I didn't have to pretend it wasn't an effort.
It really was natural and easy.
Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

Marre put out some really nice, healthy snacks.
Pumpernickel pretzels with mustard, raw broccoli, cauliflower, peppers and celery and some nice wine.
I ate like a normal person.
I didn't panic and wish I could stuff it all in my mouth when she left the room.
I didn't feel so hungry and deprived that I wanted to stop at a drive-thru on the way home and gorge myself.

I ate the light snacks.
I ate till I was no longer hungry and
I was pleasantly full.
It felt great.

All my life I've wanted to have a "normal" relationship with food.
I've watched other people eat a moderate amount of food and be satisfied.
I wished I could do that.
I wished I could feel full and satisfied after eating just enough.

It took me 43 years to get here.
I am so grateful.

*Movement for Motivation*
Special needs yoga?
Brilliant.
This program looks miraculous!!
Click here or click below...

Yesterday's activity: 20 minute evening walk.

1 00 2008 what I want VS. what I want NO

22 degrees outside yesterday, but I went to the gym!!


"Life is about uncertainty.
Some people find that exciting,
which is why they continue living."~ from Dave Kreinberg's Dream Core (p. 32)

Today is one of those days.
I don't feel like doing much of anything.
What do I REALLY want to do?
Stay home all snuggled up (it's 17 degrees outside)
read Dream Core, watch episodes of Death Note online, laze around, play fetch with Bosie, nap, eat sourdough pretzels washed down with diet soda
and do a whole lotta nothing.

Two years ago and prior, that's exactly what I would have done.

Things are different now.
Last year at this time I was bundling up, braving the cold and trekking my ass to the gym.
Today I will do the same.

I'll go to the gym and to the Farmer's Market (right next door to the gym) and buy celery, honey turkey and raw almonds.
No pretzels.
No unnecessary carbs.

Why???
Cuz I prefer to feel good.
What I want in the present may SEEM like it's going to feel good, but it leads to overall depression and misery.

But today is hard.
My inclination to do not-much is so strong I almost want to cry.
My desire to stay home, read and watch anime is so powerful, I actually resent having to do something different.

Having...
Having to do...
Truth is I don't HAVE to do anything.
No one is stopping me from doing exactly what I want to do for today.
I even accomplished a bunch of stuff yesterday that would actually justify my doing a whole lotta nothing today.

Yesterday I hung up all the clothes that I'll be selling on eBay. They had been crumpled up in a giant garbage bag waiting for "someday" for MONTHS! Now they're on hangers ready to go.

Yesterday I sent my resume to a corporate tutoring facility to get some Part time work to supplement my income while I manifest some full time cash flow.

I vacuumed, straightened up the living room, changed the litter box, did dishes, shopped for healthy food, ate healthy food, worked out.

All in all I've earned a day of laziness.

So why am I not staying home and snuggling in?

Because fulfilling the desires of NOW won't bring as much happiness as fulfilling my long term goals.

It took me 42 years to really get a grip on that and I'm not ready to loosen my grip.

After 42 years I've learned that the accomplished feeling is better than the indulged-in feeling.
It may SEEM like it takes more work to get the accomplished feeling, but once I start, it feels good to continue.
That means once I start
cleaning
filing
straightening
shopping
exercising
walking
working
it feels better, yes BETTER than if I indulged my lazy whims and did nothing.

The hard work is STARTING.
Continuing is easy.

Half a pot of coffee should help....lol.

(Readers who leave me comments that I intend to respond to, I'm hoping you find strength, happiness, health and fulfillment! xoxoxoxo)

*Movement for Motivation*ahhhhhhhhhh, nice easy movement to make you feel better!!
Once you start, you'll feel like continuing. Really!
Click here or click below...

Yesterday's Activity: 20 minutes upright bike, 10 minutes recumbent bike.
Yesterday's weight: 252

The more you sweat NO

Standing outside my gym on New Year's Day.

Oh no! Look at the post-holiday scale!

Yeesh. Talk about taking an honest inventory of one's self (physical self, that is).
"The more you sweat in training...The less you bleed in the fight"~ from the movie 300

How great is that quote?
The more you sweat in training, the less you bleed in the fight.What a perfect movie to watch at the gym yesterday.
300.
I only saw the first 20 minutes of it, but I liked what I saw.

A warrior king in training.
A proud, arrogant queen who says, "...only Spartan women give birth to real men."
Honor.
Pride.
Ego.
Aggression.
Solidarity.
Sweat.
Armor.
Badass weapons.

Do I uphold the ideals of 300 as the ultimate way of life?
No.
But...
Everything in its own time.
Everything has its place.
The ideals of Sparta have their place.

A time to love,
and a time to hate;
a time of war,
and a time of peace.
(Ecclesiastes 3:8)

Yesterday, Sparta had its place.
Sparta inspired me.
Warrior spirit motivated me.
I enjoyed the sweat.

It felt good to be back at the gym.

When I was working out on the weight machines a good looking guy, looked like a trainer, gave me the fist-in-front-of-his-chest signal of encouragement and said, "Keep it up!"

I looked at him.
Then I looked behind me as if to say, "you talkin' to me?"
I looked back at him.
He nodded and said, "Yeah, you...I'll be watching you this year!"

I smiled.
I appreciated the encouragement.
Then I made up this whole story in my head about how I must look like some pathetic older, fat chick who needs charity encouragement from some young guy, how he must think I'm some loser who makes a gym commitment and breaks it, who gets a running start and then loses momentum and quits like most of the New Year's resolution crowd.

I thought about the past year.
I DID start off great.
I DID keep up 10 months daily workouts.
Then what?

My head started churning out degrading judgments about giving up and not sticking with it.
No.
I will not let that poison live in my head, I thought.
I DID take a break.
I needed to take a break.
Regroup.
Re-motivate myself.
Re-focus.

I wasn't happy with the results I was getting after 3 months of plateauing while I worked my ass off.
I was right to take a break and reassess.
I honored my need to take a break.
It is right to honor one's needs.
To have kept going just for the sake of consistency was not what I chose to do at the time.

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
~ Emerson

There is a time and place for everything.
There is a time to say, I gave my word and I'm sticking to it no matter what.
There is a time to say, I'm taking a break.

It is MUCH MORE DIFFICULT to make the daily decision to keep one's word than to stick with something that's not working.

Taking a break allowed me to see which commitments served me and which ones did not.

I took a break from posting my daily weight because I felt I was becoming scale obsessed.
It wasn't about health any more it was about the number.
So, I stopped posting my daily weight.

Now, guess what???
I'm going back to posting my daily weight for a while.
I gained some holiday poundage and I want it OFF.
There is a time and place to be concerned with numbers.
I choose now as the time to be concerned with the scale.
When it's time to reassess that decision, I will.

There was a time to go to the gym every day.
Then my body got used to the workouts and plateaued like a sun-off-a-beach.
Now, it's time to get back to the gym every day.
When the semester starts and my Vixens get back to campus, then we'll develop a weekly routine that includes the gym and our workout classes (and yoga for me).

A time to rend,
and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence,
and a time to speak;
(Ecclesiastes 3:7)

Today, I go to the gym.
I'll probably take more pics to prove that I went.

*Movement for Motivation*
The yogini goddess of bad-assery is doing yoga in the middle of the night with her taut, bare midriff and slippers.
How awesome is she??
So very awesome!
Click here or click below...


Yesterday's Weight: 254
Yesterday's activity: 20 minutes on the upright bike, 10 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes of weight training.

12 28 2007 Solve for 'why' NO

Bottom left: Cousin Jade; Bottom right: Cousin Ashley;
and Maria and me behind them!

Just in case you were thinking I'm disciplined let me confess that I just wasted 2 whole hours looking at Bumper Stickers on Facebook.
And sending them.
And arranging them.

Two f***ing hours!

That's a lot of time.
But you know me with my "nothing is all good and nothing is all bad" point of view.
Can't say the morning was a total loss (and I AM blogging :-)

I DID wake up and do yoga stretches and kickboxing drills before sitting my ass at the computer.
Stretch, punch, kick, bend, punch, stretch...then Facebook...lol.

Moving and sitting.

sigh

Time to reformulate my big fat WHY for the New Year.

Why is it that I exercise?
walk?
workout?

I could give the easy, broad answer: to be healthier.
But that's too easy, too broad.
It doesn't exactly entice me to get up and shake it, ya know?

Sitting on the couch or sitting at the computer,
and think
"I want to be healthier!"
then get up and move?

No.
Not quite.

How about wanting to feel better?
Closer.
But I need to be more specific.

Moving makes the pains go away.

Ah, now that's enticing.
I DO want to be in less pain.

Walking makes me stronger so I'm able to do everyday things more easily.
Yes.
Making things easy is very enticing.
A few minutes of effort for a lifetime of ease.
Good trade off.

Keeping a daily movement commitment means I have one less thing to worry about. The weight loss takes care of itself if I keep my 20 minute daily commitment. Every time I look in the mirror and want to change I can feel assured that I am doing something to make that change happen.

Now you're talkin'.
I like that.
I LOVE that.
I like feeling reassured that I'm moving in the right direction.

Small, consistent efforts adding to my enjoyment of life.

Small, consistent efforts making my life that much easier.

Hey, it's me!

Now for the overall life discipline thing.
Two hours of Facebooking and not even realizing 2 hours had passed is an horrendous time suckage.

Leisure is great but not when I'm so short on cash.
Got a whole lot of Ebaying to do.

So what's my plan?

I'll Ebay this afternoon when I get back from lunch with mother.

Ebaying and walking.

There.
I put it out into the universe and now I'll HAVE to keep my word.

Hear that, self?
Keep your word!!

*Movement for Motivation*
Oh, this chick made my day!
Notice, she's not willowy, thin.
She's muscled, stocky and fast!
That's power baby!

12 14 07 Smart as a nap NO

“The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease,
hints at human imperfection.
Where there is perfection there is no story to tell.”
~ Ben Okri

Lest you think I'm a superhero of accomplishment let me tell you what I REALLY did yesterday.
After I shopped for storm supplies and some presents,
and picked up all my Christmas decorations from my parents' house,
I came home with good intentions.
I was going to clean and decorate!

Company was coming that night and I wanted my apartment to be twinkling and Christmassy.
Presents wrapped.
Tree up.
Lights blinking.
Cozied up for a snowy night indoors.

But what did I do after the shopping?
I stretched out on the sofa for a "rest" and ended up sleeping for 3 hours.
At some point I moved my sorry ass from the sofa to the bed and put on my CPAP.
Don't remember much about that.

Slept.
Slept hard.

Woke up disoriented.
Looked out the window.
The sun had set.
Instead of a foot of snow there was just some frozen slush on the roads.

Dashed around the apartment straightening up for my company.
No time to wrap their gifts.
No sparkling tree.
No twinkling lights.

It was soooooo the Middle Path.
The apartment was cleaned up.
Hot food on the stove.
A welcoming atmosphere.

It sufficed.

It wasn't the Christmas wonderland I had hoped to create but it was comfy and loving.

I could beat myself up for not accomplishing what I set out to accomplish.
But I won't.

If I passed out and stayed asleep for 3 hours I must have needed the rest.

Taking care of ourselves may look different from moment to moment.
It may look like decking the halls and trimming trees.
It may look like hard work
or it may look like a much needed, long winter's nap.

Sometimes we need to be better at discernment than at forcing ourselves to do what we think we're supposed to do.
Sometimes what we need at the moment is what needs attending to.

And sometimes we need to fight through our momentary needs to work for something bigger.
There were many times over the past year when I was exhausted but still dragged myself to the gym.
I fought through the tiredness and won.
I don't regret that at all.
It proved to me that my moods don't own me.
My tiredness is not in charge.

So why am I ok with my nap?

Discernment means knowing what to do and when to do it.
It means knowing when to push hard and when to tuck in for a rest.
It means knowing when to eat carbs or when to eat protein.
It means knowing when a one hour kickboxing class is better than a 20 minute walk and when a 20 minute walk is better than the gym.

It means knowing what's best for the here and now AND the long term, keeping both in mind.

Do the right thing at the right time.
It's not black and white.
It's totally a grey area.
No hard and fast rules to rely on.

Deciding from an array of options with a view to the future and a sense of care.
True attentiveness.
Calm non-judgment.

Learning discernment is a difficult but worthy discipline.

Click here to leave a comment!

*Movement for Motivation*
This looks like a great video.
Chairdancing.
And finally a fat person (in the background) instead of just cute old people!

12 13 07 Halfway better NO

Halfway there.

Stuck in the middle with me.
Halfway up Everest.
At a campground halfway up the mountain.

I can look back and see how far I've come.
I can look up and see how far I have to go.
I'm tired and motivated at the same time.

Today I'm especially grateful for my year of working out.
We're expecting a snow storm.
In the past this would have been a major, crippling event starting with the pre-storm grocery shopping. I remember shopping for a storm and being exhausted afterward. I'd drive home, sit in my car and pick one or two bags of groceries that I needed immediately and only be able to carry those bags in the house.

The rest I would leave in the car, like a giant refrigerator, and go pick from them as needed.

Walking from the car to my front door was so painful, so out-of-breathy, such exertion....I would collapse on the sofa as soon as I got inside

will finish this blog later have to go out in this sleet!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

12 12 07 Wiggle your Big Toe NO

Hattori Hanzo: What do you want with Hattori Hanzo?
The Bride: I need Japanese steel.
Hattori Hanzo: Why do you need Japanese steel?
The Bride: I have vermin to kill.
Hattori Hanzo: You must have big rats if you need Hattori Hanzo's steel.
The Bride: ... Huge.
I have new respect for Uma Thurman.
Not that I didn't already worship the ground she walks on (I started worshipping back when she played the Goddess Venus in The Adventures of Baaron Munchausen).
She's already one of the most fabulous creatures alive.
But now I understand what she had to go through to play The Bride in the Kill Bill films.

We kickboxed again yesterday.
We were sore from the day before.
It takes a lot of energy to lift a leg, keep it up in the air, kick multiple times, keep balance and perspire profusely all at the same time.

It takes an iron will to work out in a room full of girls half my age and half my size.
I have to modify the exercises for my ability level.
Lower kicks.
Half time punching.
Jumping jacks without the jump.

Whenever I wanted to quit, or give less than a full effort I thought of Uma.
I thought about that scene in Kill Bill when she's in the back seat, half paralyzed, and focuses her will to regain her mobility.

"Wiggle your big toe."

Mind over body.
Thoughts creating reality.

Incredible.
But that's her killer acting ability.
Much more impressive is her fighting ability.
Sure the fights are choreographed but that doesn't mean it's easy.

Just the stamina it takes to do minor drills like we do in kickboxing class takes unbelievable strength. I can't imagine the hours of training she went through to build up her fitness level, learn the techniques, memorize the fight sequences, shoot and reshoot the scenes, spar with stunt people and just be overall badass.

I love her.

So when I felt myself slacking or wishing our workout was over, I channeled Uma.

What would Uma do?
Wiggle your big toe.

I imagined how she felt when her limbs were aching, when she was exhausted, when she thought that getting into acting shouldn't involve that kind of physical discipline and pain and I knew, because of the brilliant finished product, that she kept on going.

Wiggle your big toe.

I've been looking at those pictures of myself from the last day of class.
Part of me knows that loving myself in the here and now, just the way I am, is the right thing to do.
Part of me also knows what potential I have.
I look at myself and see how far I've come and how far I have to go.
Sure, my body is soft and lovable but
I'm also an amorphous blob of clay waiting to be formed.

Learning to accept the here and now doesn't mean I can't imagine a different future.
A tougher, more badass future.


*Movement for Motivation*
I love this program. It's called Movement Improvement!

Yesterdays activity: one hour of killer kickboxing with the Vixens!

Click here to leave a comment.

12 11 07 Put up a fight NO

My former student Kim Robbins and me. We could be mother and dau....I mean sisters!

Kevin Geronimo (aka Voijer Neray) and me looking even MORE like Kim!

I look genuinely happy here.

Happy.

I was happy for almost an entire day.
It was weird.
Happiness isn't something I've allowed myself for a very long time.
Happiness will take some getting used to.

Looking at pictures of myself probably wasn't the best way to maintain the happy streak.
Never satisfied, I said awful things to myself about my hair, my face, my chin, my age....blah blah blah.
I'm almost so sick of being unfairly hard on myself I'm going to try to be kind to myself just to mix things up.

If not for myself then for all those beautiful young people I work with everyday who are so gorgeous and glowing but say the same rotten things to themselves that I say to myself.
If not for me then for them.

Doing it for others adds a dimension of nobility to my efforts. It makes learning to be kind to myself more palatable for me. Trying to bolster my self esteem just for myself is too iffy. The for-myself part of it is too unreliable. Doing it with others in mind is sturdier. Placing the significance outside myself gives it stability. I'll always be able to stick up for someone else before I'll defend myself.

Yesterday in kickboxing class the Vixens and I sweated and panted our way through a particularly difficult hour. I came up against that same obstacle from last time: trying to imagine a bad-guy as the focal point of my punching and kicking.

The masked marauder thing wasn't really working for me until I glanced back at my students. What if someone was trying to hurt one of them?
No way.
Not on my watch.
Defending them was easy (in my imagination).
I latched onto the "f**k off" mentality and punched away the imaginary bad guys...and kicked.

Physically it wasn't easy.
My body is still carrying too much weight.
I'm not exactly in great shape.
Better shape than I was, but still.
I have a lot of work to do.

This next hundred pounds isn't going to disappear without a fight.
Good thing I'm ready to fight.

*Movement for Motivation*
Great if you're stuck in bed, stuck on the couch, need to loosen up!

Yesterday's Activity Report: Vixens and I rocked out an hour of butt kicking kickboxing.

12 09 07 Super Boys NO

Left to right: Jonah Hill (prefer him with his glasses, click here), Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Michael Cera.

Maybe I was born with too much testosterone.
It's not just that I like the main characters from SuperbadI feel like them.
I totally identify with their awkward trying-too-hard-to-connect attempts at wooing the opposite sex.
Sweated every embarrassing faux pas as they geeked their way through a nightlong quest for affection.
And I say affection rather than sex because it seems affection's what they were truly after although their big talk about getting laid dominates the dialog.

The movie struck me as being truly authentic for this generation the same way Dazed and Confused really nailed it for my generation.

In both films, of course, the boys had the better story line, the better jokes, the more interesting, sympathetic characters and made me want to, not only be with them, but BE them.
They're the ones having all the fun figuring out who they are.
They're the ones making all the embarrassing mistakes.
They're the ones getting their hearts broken, trying for girls who are out of their league and screwing up royally in the most endearing ways.

I'm like that only I'm not sure it's as charmingly endearing when I do it because I'm female.
But just like the awkward nerds that win our hearts on the big screen, I don't get the wooing process.
I'm like Seth from Superbad with all his complicated machinations and fool-proof plans that just don't work.

When I like someone I get too excited.
I get too YOU'RE SO FRIGGIN' COOL OH MY GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD YOU'RE SO AWESOME AHHHHHHH!!!!!
and am about as subtle as a cinderblock through a windshield about it.

I get responses ranging from "you're weird, gotta go"
to not having any idea what to do with me but keep me around anyway cuz who can resist a girl who's head over heels in love with you and oh looky at all the crazy sh*t she's doing to get my attention, how entertaining and I won't cut her loose cuz it's just too damn fun to watch her turn herself inside out for me.

Would a movie like Superbad work as well if the main characters were girls?

I dunno.
They don't seem to portray girls that way in films.

So if it seems not-so-feminist of me to be fascinated with boy culture go easy on me, will ya?
I need the Seths and Evans of this world to make me feel less like a freak and to give me hope that somewhere out there is someone who thinks my geeky awkwardness is irresistibly charming.

At least all my screwing-up gives me something to write about.

*Movement for Motivation*
I love the two colored shoe cue so we can mirror her!
Tai chi for life, baby!

12 08 07 Inner skinny NO

Well, I did it.
Today feels like the actual halfway point in my journey to "skinny".
Over the past year of daily blogging and other positive daily habits, I've learned what I already knew.
Skinny is a state of mind.

Yes, I knew that but I didn't REALLY know it.
It's hard not to romanticize notions of thinness and desirability when you're so far from it.
It's the grass-is-always-greener syndrome.
Thin, fit, desirable looks like utopia when you're close to 400 pounds and unable to move.

Thinness looks like it solves all your problems.
Sure I heard from enough thin pretties and been friends with enough of them to know that all our problems do NOT go away just because we're wearing a size 4 dress (for the record I'd be happy wearing a size 10).
Same romantic troubles.
Same body image troubles.
Same life issues.

But from my standpoint, or rather sitting point, it looked so much easier to live at a smaller size.

I'm experiencing a kind of ease now but not the problem-free existence I thought being smaller would bring.
Weighing 130 pounds less does not bring the ease I thought it would.
Ease, yes.
Perfection, no.
Most of life's problems are still the same as they've always been
BUT
physically I'm more free.
That makes a difference.
A really nice difference.

It's not utopia but it's better than it was.

Still, skinny is a far off wish that shines with less intensity.
I don't want it as badly because I know it's not all it's cracked up to be.
The inner skinny is far more important than the outer skinny.

The inner skinny says "I'm worth it" and means it.
The inner skinny says "I deserve love, respect and all life's blessings RIGHT NOW not at some future time."
The inner skinny puts the outer skinny in its place.
Thin is good.
Peace of mind is better.

It's amazing that I rely so much less on food for comfort.
I'm not in as much pain so I don't need as much comforting.
Physical pain is horrible, debilitating, depressing and attitude wrecking.
I understand how people can get caught in a self-comforting loop of overeating to compensate for their inner and outer pain.

Good thing I've been writing this all down for over a year.
Somewhere in here is the key to helping other people get well.

Believe me, I'll find it, condense it, simplify it and sprinkle it generously on anyone who needs it.
Inner skinny.
Outer skinny.
Peace of mind.
We'll figure it out.

*Movement for Motivation*
This guy is so awesome.
Next week, 3 days of kickboxing with the Vixens, look out!

Shooting bad guys NO

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Shooting bad guys together on a mysterious island inhabited
by monsters and dead people.
Now THAT'S love!

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary of Blogging every single day.
Yeeeeehaaa!!
It outlasted my commitment to working out 6 days a week (which I kept up for 10 months).
It outlasted my daily calling of motivational hotlines (which I kept up for 11 months).
It outlasted my own expectations of myself (which were always too low).

Burning away the irrelevancies to get to the heart of the matter.
That's love.

I love to write.
I do.
It's one thing to make a commitment to doing something you DON'T love to do.
It builds character and all.
But making a commitment to doing something and realizing you actually LOVE doing it?
That builds self-hood.

I love that I love writing.
I've always wanted to be a writer but never thought I was good enough.
But I learned something this year.
People who are "successful" at what they do - receiving recognition, making a living at it - aren't necessarily that good at it.
You don't have to be good at it to do it for a living no matter what that it happens to be.

There are plenty of folks who are mediocre at what they do and make a fine living at it.
I've read some crappy books over the past year.
Heard some seriously average speakers, lecturers, so-called experts.
Watched some god-awful movies and tv shows.
Saw some cheaply put-together DVDs for working out, self-improvement, etc.
Folks are paying good money for this stuff and being fairly satisfied with what they're paying for.
Really!

What makes me think I have to be GREAT at what I'm doing before I'll step into the arena with all the so-called experts? Even if I'm mediocre, so what?
Sure, there are plenty of awesomely talented, great, deserving, remarkable do-ers out there in the world, but there are plenty more who are just kinda so-so.

So what's my problem?

My friend Esmilda is always telling me that all you need to have is 15% more knowledge of a subject than the folks in your audience in order to be paid as an expert.
She's right.

Not that I'm deciding that I can lower my standards.
It's more of a all-the-lights-don't-have-to-be-green-before-I-can-leave-the-house kinda thing.
I'm giving myself permission to get better as I go along.

I spent the past year earning my own love.
This is the year I'll spend falling in love with myself exactly as I am.
Sure I'll continue to get healthier, to improve, to change, but part of that change will involve a deeper and more abiding self-respect.

Essential for health.
Essential for love.

Helpful when it comes to success.

*Movement for Motivation*
Sometimes sitting and centering is all the movement we need.


click here to leave a comment!

12 05 07 Superman is a dick NO

For more Superman is a Dick hilarity click here.

Thanks, Ed!!

12 05 07 Alpha Beta NO

Fire Emblem: Goddess of Dawn....don't ask....don't...don't...don't ask.

Ever notice how dolls, video game characters, cartoon characters....any replica of the female form really, are always thin?
There are no fat dolls.
No fat super heroines.
No fat women lead characters unless the fatness has something to do with the story (i.e. Shallow Hall, Hairspray).

Even Mrs. Santa isn't always depicted as fat while her husband always is.

Barbie?
Forget it!
Nothing lumpy or bumpy on her except her bullet-proof torpedo breasts.

I grew up on the Archie Comics starring Betty and Veronica. (Can somebody tell me why Archie was such a pimp?)
I wanted to look like Betty and Veronica.
Big boobs, tiny waists, flat stomachs, perfect long thin legs and thick hair, always fashionable.
For thin girls they always seemed to be eating burgers and drinking milkshakes.
It never occurred to me that they were imaginary characters who could eat or drink whatever they wanted and always stay young and thin.
They weren't merely ink and paper.
They were Betty and Veronica. They just magically converted their soda-pop shop food into sexy siren comic book flesh that never needed trimming.
If I was fat I believed it was my fault for not being a good enough person.
My fat was a character flaw.

Still is.

I don't like that about myself, my blaming mentality, my reluctance to accept myself for exactly who I am in the here and now.

I know I'm not alone in this.

Part of my mission as a writer and whatever it is that I think I'm going to be....superhero motivational speaker?...is to help people be cool with themselves exactly where they're at.
Grey
Bald
Fat
Old
Wonky
Whatever.
We all have something lovable in us regardless of how we conform to some idealized beauty standard.

I was at the gym the other night and three young guys were "conversing" next to me. I put "conversing" in quotes because it was more of a mutual grunting session, like observing an Alpha male simian of some sort grunting orders to the Betas.

Anyway, one rode the stationary bike while the other two stood near him.
Beta 1 and Beta 2 "Hey wassup."
Alpha "Hey howz goin?"
Beta 1 and Beta 2 "(Grunt grunt)"
Alpha "You goin' later?"
Beta 1 and Beta 2 "(affirmative grunting)"
Alpha "So, this girl, I know her?"
Beta 1 "nah."
Alpha "She cute?"
Beta 1 "yeah."
Alpha "Aight. Later."
Beta 1 "Later" gives complicated hand slapping hand shake of some kind to Alpha.
Beta 2 "grunt" gives complicated hand slapping hand shake of some kind to Alpha.

What the hell did I just witness?
Was that a conversation?
The girl.
The girl of which they spoke.
I wondered what "cute" meant to them.
All I could think of was "not fat" but mostly "not me".

How would the grunting set describe me?
"Older lady.
I dunno, she's got a pretty face and stuff...."

The "and stuff" would make me nuts.
Like the word "but" would have to follow to make up for my not-young-ness and my not-thinness.
Not cute.

As it was, in real life, I didn't exist for them.
They had no interest in the fact that I was in ear shot of them.
No compunction about discussing the physical value of said "girl" to be met at the party later.
Funny.
Sociologists couldn't pay to get such a genuine, fly on the wall perspective like that and listen while their subjects spoke so candidly.

Cute.
Cute doesn't just mean cute to me.
It means worthy.
Worthy of attention.
Worthy of affection.
Worth hanging out with.

But I look around at real life folks and there seem to be plenty of not-exactly-cute folks hanging out, being affectionate, getting and giving attention.

What makes me feel so unworthy?

It's really just me.
I'm in my own way.

As long as I believe I'm on the outside of worthiness looking in that's where I'll stay... I think.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone surprised me and I didn't have to do all this karmic love-myself work to earn what I as a human being crave and deserve?

But you know me.
I'll probably make myself work for it.

*Movement for Motivation*
While I'm busy handicapping myself with my stinkin' thinkin' these folks aren't letting their supposed flaws stop them!!
Click here if video won't work...

Click here to leave me a comment!

12 04 07 year hence NO

Would Superman ever really say something so insensitive to anyone?

"I'm afraid of being out of control,
of doing or saying something foolish,
of getting into trouble,
of being vulnerable...I have that now or never feeling."~ Lisa Sargese December 2006 (click here)

Great.
Same fears different year.

Stuff HAS changed for me.
I'm less afraid of being out of control.
I'm more forgiving of myself these days.
I'm more ok with who I am.
Not TOTALLY ok, but more ok than last year at this time.

The Not-Okayness is a sickness that's infecting the world.
I see it in my students, this fear of looking foolish, of taking chances, of participating in life.
They're holding back
when the world needs them to go all out.

But I can't expect them to go all out, take risks, be creative, expressive and generally awesome if I can't do it myself.
You know, the whole change-begins-with-me mantra.
That's the thing about mantras....they're true.
That's why they bug me.

I feel a December upper respiratory infection coming on. I'm guzzling Airborne and tea to fight it off.
It's better to be sick this year than it was last year.
No, really.

Being lighter, weighing less makes life in general, even being sick, so much easier.
Recovering from an eating disorder makes life so much easier.

I used to carry around guilt from having overeaten the day before.
I'd wake up with regret and a bloated gut.
I'd walk around worried about weight gain.
I'd feel the pressure of knowing I had a huge issue to solve, a giant loose end to tie up.

It's not just a lightness of body but a lightness of mind and spirit that makes life easier.
I no longer have to worry.
No more weight gain....ever.

It's simply impossible to gain weight eating the way I do.
It's simply a part of my life to exercise, move, breathe and be more active.

Issue handled.

What a relief.

My Blog is over a year old.
My daily Blogging anniversary will be December 8th.
It will be interesting to look back to last year and see where I was and how far I've come.

Good thing I wrote this stuff down.

*Movement for Motivation*
It looks gorgeous and feels gorgeous, too.


Yesterday's Activity: 30 minutes on the upright bike, 15 minutes on the recumbent bike, 15 minutes of weight training with the Vixens!!

12 03 07 loving the hating the NO

..............................................................................................................................

Myere: It’s probably fate.
Retreph: Didn’t think a smart guy like you would believe in fate.
Myere: You can be smart and still believe in things that aren’t exactly logical.

~ from David Kreinberg's Blood Core
Wanna hear "illogical"??
I hated the above picture of me soooo much (taken just one week ago) that I had to take the picture below (taken 5 minutes ago) just to cancel it out.

It's all about the angle, you know?

How in the hell am I ever going to counsel people on how to build their self-esteem if I can't even look at pictures of myself?
I know from years of studying, counseling and therapy that bad-body-thoughts
are not about, or not JUST about our bodies.

Looking at that top picture of me, and hating it, sure does FEEL like it's about my body.
Ham head.
That's what I think of when I look at it.
Giant Ham Head.
And the bottom picture that's supposed to be canceling out the top picture?
I'm thinking
Bulbous Rudolph nose.

See?
It's always something.

If I were talking to a client or student I would want them to go deeper and try to feel what was going on inside that made them think those terrible things about themselves.
But it's me, so....ok, I'll take it on.

Fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of being made fun of.
Fear of being passed over (oh, now we're getting to the heart of the matter) for someone younger, thinner, prettier........ok there it is.

Know how I know?
Because that one HURT the most to admit.
It felt the most uncomfortable.
The most exposed.
The most dear-god-please-don't-hurt-me.

Passed over....means what?
Not good enough.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy.
I'm foolish.
I had some nerve trying in the first place.
I should have stayed quiet, played it safe and not stepped into the arena.
If I step into the arena I'll probably get my nose bloodied.
Just skip a step and don't bother.
Bloody my own nose.

Don't try.
I'll just get made fun of, rejected, hurt, passed over, left out....wow, all playground feelings.
I'm still carrying around THAT old baggage??
Playground baggage?

Is that what we do?

Karma is so strange.
Working through our psychological issues leftover from childhood takes our whole lives.
Or not.
I know plenty of folks who don't bother.
They stay stuck.
They never look deeply at their own issues and motivations.
They play it safe, never feel the tender, vulnerable feelings and just stay where they're at emotionally, never moving forward.

I guess I like the idea of moving forward rather than playing it safe.
Better to get my nose bloodied than stay on the sidelines forever.

It hurts,
but it's life.
Living should hurt once in a while.

I just wish it didn't hurt to look at myself.

Click here to leave a comment!

*Movement for Motivation*
It's very easy to find workout vids for senior citizens.
Not even close to easy to find workout vids for fat people.
Why?
Cuz society thinks old people are cute and fat people are hateful.
And I wonder why I have a hard time liking my fat self.
Ha!
These old people are cute, though.

12 02 07 but marshmallows are good! NO

Kirstie Alley looking totally hot and goddess-like.
I always thought she was beautiful.

I'm not about to become the poster girl for fat acceptance or anything but I sure would like to feel less like crap about how I look.

I was on My Space reading The Champ's (from the show Fat March, remember?)
latest blog entry. He was talking about getting his acting career going, auditioning, head shots etc. but he was saying such critical things about himself...

"...my mess of a body could be that guy!!!"
"Overweight... freaks, geeks and oddities. I pretty much fit both catergories..."
"My awful body is the shape of a marshmallow..."

I'm reading that and thinking, What the Hell?
He's so cute.
Why would he put himself down like that?

Then I remembered that we teach best what we most need to learn and thought,
oh right, those are exactly the god-awful things I say about myself.

Granted society is much more forgiving of overweight men than of overweight women.
You don't hear much red carpet hooplah over male celebrities gaining a few pounds.
I tend to see more heavy-set males with thin, pretty (pretty by society's rigid standards) girls than vice versa.
And The Champ himself has a lovely, devoted girlfriend.

But gender inequities aside, his self-deprecation made me reflect on my own tendency to dislike my own appearance.
Too fat.
Too poofy.
Too short.
Too flappy.
Too old.
Now way, too saggy....etc.

I could beat my own self esteem into a bloody pulp if I let myself.

Lisa Nichol's popped into my head.

Lisa Nichols, empowerment guru featured in The Secret, says...“I’m the first example of how the world is supposed to love me and I have to give them the best example ever. We expect someone to show us our greatness when [instead] I’m supposed to show up understanding my greatness and allowing you to celebrate it with me.”

That's the karmic test, isn't it?
Accepting, loving and honoring myself exactly where I'm at.

If some magical, alien, freeze-frame beam were blasted at the Earth and we were all stopped in time, having to live the rest of our lives with our bodies looking exactly as they do right at this moment, how would I fare?

Would I spend the rest of my days beating myself up for not looking a certain way?
What a terrible waste of energy that would be.
What an unfortunate waste of my talents, to keep them hidden because I don't look red carpet thin, young, long-beautiful-haired....fill in the blank with whatever not-good-enough phrase I've chosen to malign myself with at the moment.

Ok, so no alien freeze-frame beam is gonna stop time.
So, should I spend any more energy feeling like crap about myself?

Of course not and nor should you.
I believe that YOU'RE lovable, wonderful, beautiful just the way you are no matter what your future potential. Your Now is awesome.
Where you are right now is just as blessed and part of you as who you will become.

I should feel that way about myself.

I should, but can I?

*Movement for Motivation*
This girl, Tarra, lost 370 pounds without surgery. She's grateful to be able to do her own dishes and fix her own meals. Should I tell her she's unworthy of love because she doesn't look like Jessica Alba??

11 30 07 superheroes need naps too

Big Beautiful Wonder Woman by Mike R. Baker
(Click here for his blog)

The morning was icy cold.
The kind of grey winter morning that wants to keep you in bed.
The kind of bitter, icy chill that makes you want to cancel plans and snuggle in for dear life.
I was out in it,
early.

I had promised a student I would meet her to go into the city for a seminar on motivational speaking. I didn't want to let her down.

Me?
I'd let myself down in a heartbeat.
If it were up to me I'd never leave the house once the temps dropped under 45 degrees for the winter. You'd see me come out of hibernation sometime in the spring when the leaves started to bud again.
To hell with the cold.

Just for the record, don't think of me as some superhero of integrity. I canceled a plan I had for tomorrow morning to go to church with a student of mine. I'm anticipating a wintry mix. I have plans for later in the day. Gotta conserve my energy. I'm choosing to snuggle in.

But...Today, just for today, I'm glad I defied the cold and kept my word.
Today, I'm glad I toughed it out rather than give in to my mood.

Sometimes it just feels good to keep my word rather than honor my mood.
When I overcome a lazy mood to do the right thing
I feel like I'm building character, becoming more of a super hero.

Today in NY I met a woman at the seminar, a 75 year old lung cancer survivor who recently returned from a harsh trip to the North Pole. Going to the North Pole was one of those things on her life list, just something she HAD to do.
"Doom and gloom," she said, "That's what everyone told me to expect, either that or I'd get eaten by a polar bear. The overall feedback from everyone I knew was that I was crazy to go. But I went anyway."

She went.
She had no regrets.
She showed them.

There are times to go against the grain, to defy common sense, to do the ridiculously impossible, and then there are times to stay in bed.

We need to rest.
We need to rejuvenate.
We need time to reflect on our last adventure before we begin another one.

I'm feeling the need to snuggle in right about now.
I'm giving myself permission to nap.

*Movement for Motivation*
Yep, breathing is exercise.
And notice that he says not to push yourself to hard.
B r e a t h e ....

11 30 07 Schlep and Love NO

Juno (Ellen Page): "I think I'm in love with you...Cuz you're like the coolest person I ever met and you don't even have to try...ya know?"
Paulie (Michael Cera) : "I try really hard...actually."
~ from the upcoming film, Juno

I'm sore.
Life is good.

I did a Step Aerobics class (I called it the Step and Schlep) with my Vixens last night.
It was just the four of us and the instructor, very intimate, like a private session.
The class itself was a bit beyond my ability, though.
Stepping and Schlepping takes coordination and some serious lung capacity.

So I modified.
I did things in half time (taking one step for their two)
or did the moves without the step.
At first I felt self-conscious and borderline ashamed that I couldn't keep the pace.
The negative feelings didn't last long.
I felt no judgement from anyone in the room.
I was truly comfortable.

Some moves I was able to do exceptionally well.
The classic bend-over-and-touch-your-toes move is fairly easy for me. I can pretty much place my palms flat on the floor (thanks to my chiropractor, Dr. Alan Brewster!)

During the "cool down" and I put that in quotes because some of those moves were incredibly difficult, she had us put ourselves in plank position (a freeze frame of a push up) and hold it for 30 seconds.
I was determined.
I held it.
It was torture.
I felt great afterwards.

I drew strength from the love in the room.
It's great to be able to have faith in myself, but there's nothing like having someone else believe in me. It fills in the blanks where I leave off.

I only halfway believe that I don't deserve it which is a radical improvement from having to burst into tears any time any one was ever nice to me.
I've earned my own respect over the past year.
I kinda DO believe I deserve the love, ya know?

I sure do give the love...I mean I love so many and so much.
Not sure I give it in an obvious enough way.
I'm sure there's room for improvement.
I hope my loved ones feel loved by me.
Really.

I just received a text from one of the Vixens (The Vixens are my soon-to-be former students Melanie, Kelly, and Michael who are taking on the Get Fit BeFORE the Holidays Challenge with me at their request!) telling me that even though we aren't scheduled to work out together today, she's going to the gym.
Can you imagine that?
Real live people being real life inspired by me (and me by them)!

It blows my mind every time I read a Comment here on my Blog where one of you says that I've inspired you.
It's a miracle, truly.
I've been such an asshole for so long, failing to take care of myself, failing to appreciate life.
To have turned it around to something SOOOOO positive and to hear from OTHERS is a gift.
An absolute blessing.

And just for the record...
None of this comes easy.
I try really, really hard.

*Movement for Motivation*
Ok, this guy is badass from a wheelchair.
I have no excuses...

Yesterday's activity: One hour step aerobics class with the Vixens!

11 28 07 punching and kicking

Female Samurai by Victor Konnov
“I do not love the bright sword for it's sharpness, nor the arrow for it's swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory.
I love only that which they defend”

~ J.R.R. Tolkien

It came naturally.
It felt better than yoga.
My students and I took a kickboxing class yesterday.
We kicked some serious imaginary ass.

Upper cuts,
hooks,
kicks,
jabs.
It was just what my body craved, some healthy aggression.

When I first entered the room I told the instructor (a 19 year old girl, mind you)
that I would probably have to hold onto something to keep my balance.
She reassured me that we just covered the basics and that she thought the chair might get in my way. I told her I would only use it if I needed it.

I didn't need it.

That blows my mind....in a number of ways.
I expected (see, sometimes the universe surprises us) to have a hard time keeping my balance.
I expected to be unable to stand on one leg.
I expected to topple and fall on my ass.

Didn't happen.
I stayed upright.

I held onto one of the big arm chairs in Kops Lounge for maybe a minute out of our 60 minute workout only to do back kicks where we kept our legs in the air for one whole minute without letting our foot touch the ground once.

I'm not saying I was GOOD at what we were doing. My coordination needs a lot of work.
My form could have been better. I kept checking myself out in the reflection in the windows and feeling fat and foolish. I was in a room with girls half my age and half my size. I felt enormous, like a big, clumsy lummox, but I kept at it. My students were toughing it out. I wasn't going to quit on them.

We were there to vanquish our enemy.

I made fat and self-doubt into my enemy.

The instructor had us imagining boards that we were punching, elbowing and kicking to keep our extensions from flying all over the place. I thought it would be interesting to picture an enemy instead of a board, someone I was angry with.

I couldn't do it.
There was no one I wanted to physically hurt.
No one's imaginary face that I wanted to punch or kick.
I needed an enemy, so I chose my own self doubt.
I chose the fat on my body that needs to GO.
Burn off.
Leave.
In its place leave only muscle and self-assurance.
Live in me the warrior spirit.

Dignity.
Grace.
Controlled aggression.
Honor.
Poise.

" Traditional warriors developed ethical, martial, and spiritual skills that served their community and fostered their personal quest for an expanded consciousness."
~ The Tea House

*Movement for Motivation*
This vid isn't about the soda.
Awaken your warrior spirit.

Yesterday's activity: one hour kickboxing cardio class with The Vixens!