brain crack

"...Lead the people
who are struggling
in a world of darkness
and let them know
- there’s a light calling out to them.
The thought that the call to salvation,
the call to eternal life,
the call to an abundant life
now was done through these very weak,
deficient vessels is awesome
when we think about it."
- Fr James Chern, campus chaplain
Homily 7/12/09

Last night at the Fair with Marni!
Thankful to have friends who are willing to push
me around in a wheelchair!!

That thing on my fork is a fried Oreo,
aka BRAIN CRACK!
It is designed to give you intense pleasure
then make you incredibly sick.
I'm feeling down right "carb-dirty" today!

The extreme pleasure of eating something rich, fatty, sweet and gooey is what keeps folks like me addicted to that kind of food.
Therefore, I only eat it maybe twice a year. If I eat any more than that and I'll get caught up in a brain addicted cycle of GIVE ME GREASY SUGARY STUFF NOW.... RAWRRRR!!

Don't believe me?
Read the article by Julia Ross, Holistic Nutritionist and author of The Diet Cure on the topic.
Fried Oreos are like crack.
According to her they're stronger than crack!
The intense chemical pleasure rush is akin to the rush one gets from heroine or cocaine.
Hence my new nickname for fried Oreos: Brain Crack.

More and more research indicates that the foundation of food addiction (most substance addictions really) are chemical in nature.
Does that mean I'm blaming the food for my behavior??
No.

Does that mean the Oreos reached out to me and grabbed my wheelchair last night as I passed the kiosk at the fair?
No.

BUT and everyone loves a big BUTTTTT
if I followed my cravings that I have today (as a result of the insulin ups and downs and brain crack events from last night)
I'd be eating peanut butter and jelly on rye, cake, devil dogs, pie, commercial ice cream and a hot pretzel rather than
Amish bologna, farm eggs, organic greens, raw milk, and meat meat meat for dinner.

Still having a hard time giving up my popcorn with raw butter at night but no need to be perfect, right? (See homiletic quote above).

It cracks me up when the occasional blog troll will sleaze by and accuse me of eating anything I want.
C'mon, really?
Who the hell wants eggs WITHOUT CHEESE and WITHOUT BUTTERED TOAST??
Farm meat?
Bone broth??
Hey, I LOVE those foods, but I love them in a I-know-I'm-doing-myself-good kinda way rather than a my-tastebuds-must-have-you kinda way.

If I really were to eat anything I wanted based on taste, it wouldn't be farm food.
I'd be eating brain crack three or four times a day.
Everything fried in hydrogenated oil, breaded, batter dipped, full of msg, sugar and commercial dairy.
Why?
I'm used to it.
I crave it.
My brain gets high from it.
It's designed to give a pleasure rush when eaten.
I like it.
It makes me pass out after eating it
and who wouldn't like to be passed out asleep right now, right?

But that road leads to sickness and pain possibly even premature death.
I've elected to LIVE.

Therefore I suffer without my beloved coffee.
I'm still off caffeine and doing better than I thought I would.

I do without flour,
bread,
crackers,
chips,
pretzels,
pasta,
rice,
oats,
barley and all the other grains at the bottom of the God-forsaken food pyramid.

I go out of my way (way out of my way) to get organic, free range, grass-fed meat and dairy from a local farm.

I'm taking nutritionist-recommended supplements.
And am gearing up to a more rigorous exercise plan (one that's suited to my body and won't stress my poor adrenals).

This is hard!!
Not easy.
Not a pleasure plan.

Forget about the wheelchair and crutches.
That's just an added inconvenience to my rigor,
a big fat inconvenience designed to remind me what happens when I ignore my body's nutritional needs.
My body breaks.
It won't heal.
Brain crack comes with a price.
All addictions do.

But last night was the last night of the fair.
Once in a while, you gotta have a little brain crack.

And despite what you may have heard about addicts being unable to have-just-one
I won't be having any more brain crack for at least another year.

Cuz I'm strong that way.

So are you.
If you believe it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Sugar is MORE addictive than cocaine?
Yep.
Ask author Julia Ross, author of The Diet Cure.
click here or click below

feeling fair

toothpastefordinner.com

My life is coming back.
I can feel it.

I remember last summer while Marni and I were watching seasons 6 and 7 of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer how I identified with Buffy Summers' lack of enthusiasm for life. She sang about "going through the motions" and how nothing seemed to penetrate her heart.

I identified with her.
I felt like I was going through the motions of life,
trying to do the things I once liked,
hoping the activities would stimulate some sort of enthusiasm in me.

Just now I looked back at a bunch of old posts on this blog.
Running theme?
TIRED
lack of energy
NO MOTIVATION
exhaustion
NOT WANTING TO MOVE...

"I wish I were more motivated.
Well, maybe motivation is not what I lack.
Considering what I accomplish in a day,
only a fraction of which
is actually reflected in my pay check,
I think I'm pretty darned motivated.

I just wish I were
looking forward to my day more.
I wish I could
experience more joy
in the moment."
- Me in this blog 4/09/08

Here's another telling excerpt...

"I don't FEEL like taking care of myself.
I don't feel inspired to do the daily chores
of making my surroundings livable,
of caring for my nutritional needs,
of getting oxygen and exercise.

I will go through the motions
and HOPE that the feelings come
and even if they don't
I will persist.

If I acted on my feelings today
I'd lay around all day playing
with my kittens
and
schmoozing around with my cats,
wasting time online,
moping,
watching TV,
regretting that
I'm not doing my chores."
- Me on this blog 8/13/08

Wow.
My life was slipping away and all I could do was blame myself for being unmotivated.
Then again you will see my ongoing inkling that my health had LOTS to do with my energy level.
I exercised in hopes that it would GIVE me energy.
It didn't.

I lost weight in hopes that I would be naturally perky.
I wasn't.

I ate virtually NO FAT in my diet for over 2 years.
It didn't help (it hurt).

A pot of coffee in the morning
and energy shots throughout the day
chased by diet soda
and Ritalin
gave me some temporary lift.
You can't push your adrenals forever.
Mine crapped out.

But I'm not drinking caffeine any longer.
I'm off coffee and caffeinated tea as of last week.
I haven't had soda in months.
I rarely take a Ritalin.

And I'm surviving!

I also have great hope that I'll have enthusiasm for life again real soon.
Instead of chemically inducing the thrill of living I might just experience some actual thrill!
Life may become delightful once again.

Hey wait.
Was it ever delightful??

I don't even remember.
I think I was delighted in 8th grade for a while.

According to this blog I've been delighting in the expectation of a new life for the past three years.
Ok.
Here it is, my life, unfolding
summer by summer
change by change.

Tonight is the last night of the Meadowlands Fair for 2009.
Marni and I are going.

If given the choice of sitting home and renting a movie on demand
vs.
going to the fair?
I pick the fair.

That's got to count for something, right?

Looking forward to some delight
tonight!

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
This is where we'll be in a couple of hours!
No rides for me.
Well, the wheelchair IS a ride if you think about it...lol.
Just not as thrilling as the ferris wheel!
click here or click below

patience

This must be the summer of learning patience.
That and being ok with doing-the-right-thing while detaching from the outcome.

See, I've been more careful with money lately.
I'm working on a budget.
Stopping myself from impulse purchases.
Ordering less take out/delivery food.

So when I gave myself permission to buy a new water filter (long overdue...the faucet attachment is spraying all over the place and I have no idea if taking it apart and putting in little washers is even possible) I expected everything to go smoothly.

I was especially proud to have found a brand new Amway water filter system on eBay, just like the one I have now, for a third of the original price.

I felt very in control and smug about the whole thing.
A bargain.
A planned purchase.
A necessity for my health.
Surely everything would go to plan!

Nope.
The eBay listing described it incorrectly.
I received the wrong unit.
The one they sent is for installation under the sink not above it.
Today I have to send it back and fuss to get a refund.

Dammit.

But that's a lesson I've always needed to learn.
Whenever I do the "right thing" I expect things to go smoothly.
I expect to be rewarded for good behavior.
I expect the universe to bow like a reed in the wind to accommodate me.
And that ain't what life does.

Part of learning patience is learning to give up control.
Giving up control requires patience.

I'm attracting into my life the perfect situations to teach me those lessons!

Now if I can just get myself a clean drink of water.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Pema Chodron a wise Buddhist nun talks about learning to give up control!
Should we cover the world with leather or just put on a pair of shoes?
Fabulous.
click here or click below

Q: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you just eat too much??

A: Yes. Especially when I'm in the middle of eating too much.

bus driver made me cry

I cried the first time I rode that bus and I cried the last time I rode it.

If you go back a couple of weeks in this blog you'll see that I did NOT enlist the help of the handicap-bus when I first got the wheelchair.

I gambled on finding handicap parking spaces,
relied on the kindness of friends,
prayed for the kindness of strangers,
struggled
and suffered getting from my car to my classroom on a campus that is hilly no matter where you park.

When I started teaching a second summer class on a different campus, you know, my 8:00am oh-my-god-I'm-out-of-my-comfort-zone class, I knew I'd have no time between that early class and my later morning class in Montclair to play the parking spot game.
I HAD to call transport services and arrange a shuttle bus for myself.

Just like I HAD to relent and get myself a wheelchair in the first place.
I HAD TO get myself the chair so my knee could heal.

This is the summer of being forced to take care of myself.
This has been the summer of owning that I HAVE TO take care of myself.
My self esteem issues can roil around all they want.
In the meantime I need to work.
I need to function.
This injury has forced me to take care of me.

That first day on the shuttle bus was a little overwhelming.
I had to face my helplessness.
I had to allow myself to be taken care of.
Being in a wheelchair became more real the day I had to be buckled into a chair-lift and loaded onto that bus.

Teddy, the driver, took great care of me.
Strapping my chair to the bus floor
then strapping me in was an ordeal.
The unstrapping was an ordeal.
Getting the chair onto the lift was an ordeal.
Only a physically strong, patient person could handle doing all that for me
and he did.

That first day was tough for me.
I felt handicapped.
I was uncomfortable with the care and attention
but as I said before I HAD TO allow it to happen.
I felt weak,
helpless and guilty,
so I sat in the back of the bus and silently cried.

After that I got used to the whole process.
It was a necessity, like the wheelchair itself.
It was just something I needed to do to get from one place to another.

On that last day as Teddy buckled me in I told him that my semester was finished.
God willing I'd be totally healed by the Fall.
I'd no longer need the bus.

He said with a big smile and his West Indian accent
"It would be a pleasure to drive you again, you wanna know why?" he asked.
"Cuz your students love you...everyone love you. I've never see students act dat way toward a teacher before. They come 'round the bus and want to push you to class. Everyone happy to see you. They hug you. It's good to see a ting like dat."

As he went outside the bus to ready the chair lift I sat there like a buckled-in piece of cargo and cried. I'm crying now as I type this.

It's one thing to be told you are loved.
It's another thing for someone to notice how much other people love you.

I had no idea.

Maybe in this lifetime I'll get a clue.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Self love sounds like a
"cliche... it's like some froofy san francisco hippie jibber jabber, and it's not!"
We get stuck in our heads and forget how lovable we really are.
Listen to Tarot expert Amanda on the issue of self-love.
click here or click below

healthy like a watch

Proud to be part of Real Food Wednesdays! (click here)

thanks to nataliedee.com

I've tried a lot of stuff in 3 years.
This blog just nicks the surface of my struggles to be....what?
Thin?
Small?
Not fat?

Was there ever a time in my life when I really wanted to be healthy?
I SAID I wanted to be healthy, but really I wanted to be thin.
To be thin meant to be socially acceptable, attractive, worthy and even enviable.
I'm finally getting to the point where I value my health more than I value my dress size.

All it takes is losing something.
Sometimes you have to lose something so you can realize its value.
I lost my health.
Now I understand the value of being able to wake, walk and function!
Thin??
You can't be serious.
Not after what I've been through this summer.
Thin is no longer the goal.
Healthy is the goal.

But but but...don't we all believe that we have to be thin to be healthy?
That's the bill of goods I was sold all my life.
My fat body was automatically judged to be an unhealthy mess.

In my efforts to take off the offending fat I ruined my health.

I won't even touch on the weight loss surgeries right now.
In a nutshell? Disasters.

What I do wish to touch on is the pride I took in eating virtually NO FAT for almost 2 and a half years.
It wasn't just that I was eating diet foods with tons of sugar or fake sugar with the words NON-FAT emblazoned on the label.
I was eating tons of whole grains, tofu, red sauce, fruit, vegetables, rice cakes, egg beaters, skim milk, soy milk, sugar free jello, sugar free ice pops, diet foods...and for what?

Sure I took off 140 pounds.
Sure I trotted off to the gym 6 days a week.
So why did my health crash and burn??

I burned out my adrenals.
I burned out my my ability to heal.
I totally malnourished myself.
And this summer, I broke down!
Just plain broke.

The exhaustion was too much.
If you read my blogs from the beginning of 2009 you'll see how desperate I was. I talked about feeling as if someone was pushing down on my eyelids.
I was drinking a pot of coffee a day and still struggling to get from task to task.

People keep asking me why I started this whole nourishing traditions way of eating.
They asked if something led up to this, some sickness.
Yes.
I hit an impossible plateau in my weigh loss despite a super low fat, supposedly health diet and ridiculous work out regimen
and
I had no energy left.

Before I could save myself my knee blew out over Easter weekend.
I'm spending most of the summer in a wheelchair.

Something radical needed to happen.
Another weight loss diet??

No.
I don't think so.

It's time for a different approach.
It's time to focus on health.

If I hadn't broken down the way I did, I'd still be hoping to lose weight even at the expense of my health.

Does that mean I'm giving up on losing weight?
Well, that depends on how you look at it.
Following a rehabilitation diet as prescribed by my nutritionist
along with exercise designed to reconnect mind and body
will lead to many changes in my health.
One of those changes will be regaining my ability to lose excess body fat.

Losing weight is not the focus.
It's the side effect.

Health is my priority, now more than ever.
I lost it.
Once I get it back, I'll never neglect it again.


*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
What part of a watch tells time?
Remove one part and the whole watch stops.
Trying to lose weight?
Let's take care of our bodies and trust that the weight will take care of itself.
And it will.
Focus on fat loss is isolationist thinking.
Focusing on health will succeed because it acknowledes that it takes a whole watch to tell time!
Paul Chek talks sense, always.
click here or click below

better to be better

I wanna be like the cat who's playing!

Right now I don't want to play.
But I want to want to play!

Right now I just want to sleep, take it easy, lounge around, think, write and be left alone by life.
That's not a damp spirit, that's a damp body.
Or a body that needs more spirit.
Or something.

Allz I know is that my body is holding me back from doing things.

I heard today that Amma the hugging guru is in NYC.
I would LOVE to go see her.
Can't.
No energy.

I would love to go to the beach!
Can't.
No energy, can't walk.

I would love to be able to say, "Hey, let's...."
and have the energy and stamina to do it,
whatever "it" may be.

Spoke to my nutritionist yesterday.
Now I'm officially off caffeine.
Totally off.

He had me cut down to one cup/generous mug of black tea per day since late May.
Now I'm down to zero cups/generous mugs per day.

I'm pretty grouchy about it.
But I'm also realizing how much I depended on stimulants for my enthusiasm.
That's what caffeine did for me (or what I thought it did for me).
I didn't get the jitters from it
or get irritable
or antsy.
I got enthused.

Wouldn't it be lovely to have enthusiasm without the chemical kick?

Over the next week I'll be taking a hormone test to see exactly what stage of adrenal fatigue I'm in and which bio-identical hormones I'll need to be taking.

I hear it takes about a year to heal from adrenal fatigue.
I hate to have to wait a whole year.
But the year will pass no matter what.
It will be better to be better a year from now rather than stuck in my depleted, malnourished, caffeine-addicted state.

The year will pass whether I'm healing or not.
Better to heal and look forward to a life of,
"Hey, lets go..."
than to stay sick and tired.

Fightin' the good fight over here.
I hope.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Dr. Grace Keenan from Nova Medical Group talks about Adrenal Fatigue, a condition seldom recognized by the mainstream medical community.
Wow, asthma is one of the symptoms of adrenal fatigue?
Who knew?
click here or click below